Tuesday, September 12, 2006

TIFF 2006 #8: Walkout #2, Jessica Lange…and It Wasn’t the Same Movie!

I am sitting on an ice pack as I type this. Why? Because today was five-movie day, and my ass is sore. More specifically, the joint between my thigh bone and my pelvis is sore. (My chiropractor is welcome to chime in with the name of that joint at any time.) This is what I get for sitting my bony behind down on the unevenly padded Ryerson seats for three of those movies today, and planting it on their cement walls in between.

I was hoping to get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight (i.e., before 1 a.m.) but it’s just not gonna happen. Why? Because of the sore joint and because one of THESE (Angela, do not click this link!) scurried out from under my couch and behind my radiator a short while ago. My heart rate is still slowly creeping back down to normal. For the uninitiated, that’s what my friend Angela and I call a “scutigera” and, quite frankly, they’re terrifying. Totally harmless but terrifying. They’re usually about an inch and a bit long (in the body) with suuuuper-long, hair-like legs (as shown) that make them look like giant running hairballs. They come out when it’s humid (or, like today, when it’s pouring rain and very damp) and they ALWAYS do it at night. Usually just before I head to bed. I have hermetically sealed my apartment with all manner of protective sealants, but I live in an old building that houses these scutigeras and lord knows what else in its walls, so my efforts are futile. They keep finding their way in. I actually think they do it to taunt me.

Anyway, normally I kill the scutigeras (scutigeri?), but this one slipped past me. And then d*i*s*a*p*p*e*a*r*e*d. omg! I have no idea where it went, but I am praying with all my might that it somehow regretted its decision to promenade around my abode and retreated back through the crack through which it came. But my failed killshot means an anxiety-ridden sleep as I try my best not to imagine it crawling up into my bed and onto my pillow in the middle of the night.

Or, worse, lying in bed and worrying about accidentally stepping on it in bare feet if I have to pee in the dark.

In addition to the sore bum, the physical effects of my lack of sleep are starting to manifest themselves. Aside from being perpetually drowsy, this maddening movie pace is starting to screw with my brain. Today, as I approached the entrance for my 8:45 a.m. movie (yes, that was the start time!), instead of reaching for my ticket to hand to the ushers, I actually reached for my Metropass as though I were boarding a subway or bus. I’m floating in and out of coherency, and find myself desperately trying to stay awake in movies that are anything but fascinating.

Given my profound weariness tonight, and the fact that I simply don’t have the stamina to write at length about the five movies I saw today, I’m going to borrow a page from the Five Word Movie Review philosophy. Here, then, with another tip of the hat to the Margaret Cho Blog Brevity Law ™is a rundown of mes filmes d’aujourd’hui:

Movie #1: Summer ’04 (5/8)
Sex on a family holiday. (German film about the blossoming sexuality of a 12-year-old, and the repercussions for her boyfriend’s randy mum…who decides to have some fun with a new stranger in the area. It was okay, but I was sleepy.)

Movie #2: Bonneville (4/8)
Old boys on the side. (Jessica Lange, Kathy Bates and Joan Allen embark on a cross-country road trip that’s laden with clichés and lameness. I actually groaned out loud at one point because it was being so over-the-top melodramatic.)

Movie #3: Catch a Fire (6/8)
From coal mines to anti-apartheid. (Great film from director Phillip Noyce about Patrick Chamusso, played by Derek Luke – a South African coal-mine worker whose brutal treatment by the police leads him to become a member of the ANC. Huge standing ovation, and tears, at the end when Noyce and his actors brought the real Patrick Chamusso onstage for the Q&A.)

Movie #4: Quelques jours en septembre
Vickie gets bored and leaves. (Seriously, what was this film about? No idea. I know it had Juliette Binoche in it, and that she was doing some serious overacting but, 55 minutes in, I still had no clue what was going on so I high-tailed it outta there. And, evidently, I wasn’t the first.)

Movie #5: The Half Life of Timofey Berezin (6/8)
Scientist gets bad radiation poisoning. (Paddy Considine stars as a Soviet nuclear-reactor staffer who’s accidentally exposed to a MASSIVE dose of radiation and who subsequently tries to sell 100g of uranium on the black market in order to provide for his family before he literally decomposes.)

Man, I am wiped. Thank goodness tomorrow is a comparably empty three-movie day.

And still no sign of that freakin’ scutigera. Dammit!

Celebrity Sightings: Derek Luke, Phillip Noyce, Patrick Chamusso, Juliette Binoche, Paddy Considine and Jason Flemyng.

Crappiest Crap I Consumed Today: Every single thing I ate today was crap. All of it. A day filled with crap from start to finish. McDonald’s for breakfast and lunch, a Tim Horton’s Iced Capp and cookies for an afternoon snack and a maple frappucino from Starbucks for dinner. I am ashamed. Tomorrow, I will eat a piece of fruit at some point, I promise.

Line Buzz: Good buzz for The Last King of Scotland, True North and Outsourced.

Weather for Tomorrow: Rain AGAIN. (Come ON, Mother Nature!) High near 19C.


Reel Fanatic said...

It has a truly terrible title, but Catch a Fire is definitely high on my must-see list for the rest of this year ... Phillip Noyce is just a first-rate director, and his take on "The Quiet American" is easily one of my favorite films

Linda said...

Ohh... disappointing that Bonneville is lame! Look at that cast! I have crushed on Joan Allen ever since seeing her adorable self being interviewed at SIFF a couple years back. And I know your feelings about Jessica Lange, Vickie, but she's totally maintained her hotness (and, yes, talent) as the years have progressed. And no one can deny the sass and intelligence that is Kathy Bates. How could a director go wrong with those women? Just goes to show that Hollywood doesn't know what to do with "women of a certain age" in the movies. >:(

Vickie said...

Jessica Lange needs to lay off the cosmetic enhancements -- she's starting to look feline.

ThisWatch said...

That centipede? It slipped down the drain and is now floating toward Detroit. So don't think about it anymore.

Every October, I wish I could be at the New Yorker magazine festival in NYC. I even lay out the schedule I'd follow. This year, they are showing Borat, and I wish you'd had a chance to see it.

Stay well!

Vickie said...



Seriously, I hate humid weather. You could wring the air out tonight, it's THAT damp. And scutigeras love the damp.

I'm just hoping the one I just successfully killed (after three maimings that took off several limbs each) is the same one from last night and not a different one that also found its way in.

Jerry said...

Movie #5: The Half Life of Timofey Berezin (6/8)

WOW! You liked Half Life that much!?!?

I thought the "serious" stuff was great, but, the comedy stuff was really BAD..I didn't think it met together well...

Also, the comedy stuff has really BAD russian accents...

Vickie said...

It's funny you should mention that, jerry, because I said the same thing when it was over -- that it was like two different movies (a comedy and a drama) playing out simultaneously. I think my rating may have been influenced by the director's previous work, my appreciation for Paddy Considine and Radha Mitchell, and the gorgeous young woman I chatted with in line beforehand...who was a friend of the director. ;-)

And now that I look at it, I'm not sure why it got a 6. Perhaps a 5.