Monday, April 11, 2005

The Six Degrees of Penélope Cruz's Hotness

I initially sent the following to Linda in the body of an email (hence the super-casual, not for publication use of only lowercase letters) after seeing Sahara. But, in the spirit of "hey, let's all post our most insipid, movie-related, navel-gazing ramblings so that everyone else can bask in their magnificence!", I'm reposting it here. So there.

To preface the list further: I'd never really thought much of Penélope as an actress or a woman possessing any particular hotness. All the American films I'd seen her in were largely forgettable, as were her roles in same, and I didn't "get" what the big deal was about Ms. Cruz. Why all the hubbub? Why all the fawning and drooling? What the hell was I missing???

Then I saw a whole whack of her European films back to back and suddenly, I got it. I saw what the fuss was all about. I beheld (?) the smouldering beauty. I drank in the bravura. I sighed. Then, with some degree of latent trepidation, I saw Sahara. Then I wrote this and called it "The Six Degrees of Penélope Cruz's Hotness":

first degree: just plain ole penny, in an oversized flannel nightgown and ugly slippers. hair in rollers. blue clay mask on her face.

second degree: penélope in her workout clothes (sweatpants + T-shirt). hair in a pony tail. sweaty or not.

third degree: ms. cruz in jeans and a tight white tank top. boots of some nature. hair long and loose and sex-AY.

fourth degree: a butch penélope, dressed similarly to the third degree, but with a swagger. a toughness. a smouldering "i'll kick your ass before i make out with you!" stare. hair tousled. very tousled.

fifth degree: all glam all the time. see: oscars, golden globes, whatnot.

sixth degree: in "sahara," near the beginning, looking like the world's sexiest librarian. hair pulled back into a bun. funky glasses. intelligent, no nonsense attitude with an underlying "come hither" vibe dripping from every pore.

So there you go.


Linda said...

I heard that Penelope is in a new movie where she has been de-hotted, if you will. But it takes a conscious effort to make someone so naturally hot into someone decidedly un-hot. Like Halle Berry in Monster's Ball... I don't think anyone was fooled -- she simply played a hot woman who happened to be not wearing any makeup.

Vickie said...

'Tis true. The de-hottification of Penélope consists of unwashed, stringy hair + hideous fake teeth. And some poor wardrobe selections.

But, as you so wisely point out, her lusciousness beneath the filth was still evident.

amnestee said...

Oh my. Just found this, to think, in the same bloggery with Ayelet Waldman: vickie!! It was with swelling anticipation that I read through your six degrees of PC, misled by your claim to having finally learned to appreciate her work after seeing her European films, and expecting that Degree #6 would be la españa. Alas no. Where is Goya's chosen body, Pepita Tudó? Salud.

Vickie said...

Alas, I have not seen Volaverunt yet. There are many of señorita Cruz's European films that just aren't available here.