Monday, April 11, 2005

The Six Degrees of Penélope Cruz's Hotness

I initially sent the following to Linda in the body of an email (hence the super-casual, not for publication use of only lowercase letters) after seeing Sahara. But, in the spirit of "hey, let's all post our most insipid, movie-related, navel-gazing ramblings so that everyone else can bask in their magnificence!", I'm reposting it here. So there.

To preface the list further: I'd never really thought much of Penélope as an actress or a woman possessing any particular hotness. All the American films I'd seen her in were largely forgettable, as were her roles in same, and I didn't "get" what the big deal was about Ms. Cruz. Why all the hubbub? Why all the fawning and drooling? What the hell was I missing???

Then I saw a whole whack of her European films back to back and suddenly, I got it. I saw what the fuss was all about. I beheld (?) the smouldering beauty. I drank in the bravura. I sighed. Then, with some degree of latent trepidation, I saw Sahara. Then I wrote this and called it "The Six Degrees of Penélope Cruz's Hotness":

first degree: just plain ole penny, in an oversized flannel nightgown and ugly slippers. hair in rollers. blue clay mask on her face.

second degree: penélope in her workout clothes (sweatpants + T-shirt). hair in a pony tail. sweaty or not.

third degree: ms. cruz in jeans and a tight white tank top. boots of some nature. hair long and loose and sex-AY.

fourth degree: a butch penélope, dressed similarly to the third degree, but with a swagger. a toughness. a smouldering "i'll kick your ass before i make out with you!" stare. hair tousled. very tousled.

fifth degree: all glam all the time. see: oscars, golden globes, whatnot.

sixth degree: in "sahara," near the beginning, looking like the world's sexiest librarian. hair pulled back into a bun. funky glasses. intelligent, no nonsense attitude with an underlying "come hither" vibe dripping from every pore.

So there you go.

3 comments:

Linda said...

I heard that Penelope is in a new movie where she has been de-hotted, if you will. But it takes a conscious effort to make someone so naturally hot into someone decidedly un-hot. Like Halle Berry in Monster's Ball... I don't think anyone was fooled -- she simply played a hot woman who happened to be not wearing any makeup.

Vickie said...

'Tis true. The de-hottification of Penélope consists of unwashed, stringy hair + hideous fake teeth. And some poor wardrobe selections.

But, as you so wisely point out, her lusciousness beneath the filth was still evident.

Vickie said...

Alas, I have not seen Volaverunt yet. There are many of señorita Cruz's European films that just aren't available here.