Macaulay Culkin and Me

I just spent three hours reading Macaulay Culkin’s book Junior, and I’m confused. I landed on the list of “people he likes the least” twice, but then he thanked me for reading, promised to be my friend, and dedicated the book to me. Of course he promptly undedicated the book to me, so I guess our relationship would best be described as ambivalent. Based on these factors, I can’t tell if he is more or less likely to star in the movie I’ve been writing for him.

We seemed to start off on the wrong foot from the get-go. I was sitting in the sun on the first 85 degree day of the summer, just reading and minding my own business when I discovered that Macaulay can’t abide “people who sunbathe regularly.” Then he added “people who don’t think Audrey Hepburn is beautiful” to the list, and at page 35, I already had two strikes against me. I guess I’m in good company, though. He singled out Judd Nelson by name.

I must admit I feel judged, and maybe that’s the point. Maybe that’s how Macaulay has felt since he was a tiny little kid. But really, Mac? Can I call you Mac? Does it count if I always read when I sunbathe? I swear I don’t just lay there like a whale and rub Coppertone all over myself. And Mac? Can I just explain why I don’t think Audrey Hepburn is beautiful even though I’m sure she was a lovely person? It’s because she’s funny-looking in the same way that half the women in the world are funny-looking, but everyone goes on and on about this waifish woman with the big eyebrows while the rest of the funny-looking women go down for looking funny. She’s a prime example of the arbitrary nature of beauty. Also I’ve never liked any of her movies. Can we be friends again now, Mac?

I still think Macaulay’s performance in Uncle Buck has to be one of the best ever given by a child actor. I love his story about being chased by a sixth grader until he was exhausted, and sometimes when I’m washing dishes, I think of him standing on his little stool, up to his elbows in soap suds, telling his mom, “Uncle Buck’s got me busting my hump.” One of my favorite lines of all time is, “Your nails are digging into my arm goddamnit!” There was something about the way this angelic little boy delivered these weirdly adult lines that just won me over.

When Home Alone came out, I was obsessed with seeing it, and I even devoted a page to Macaulay in my movie scrapbook. I thought he was the cutest little kid of all time, even though he was a meager four years younger than me. And My Girl? I BAWLED when Thomas Jay died looking for Veda’s mood ring. Shoot, I even liked him in Saved.

It goes without saying that I really wanted to like Junior. I wanted to like it as much as I liked Little Girl Lost, but Junior is classified as fiction, and Macaulay plays it safe from the very beginning by completely disassociating himself with the book’s contents. He continues in much the same way - always hinting at issues, but never actually addressing anything. The book could be called impressionistic. It could also be called contradictory, inarticulate, and vacuous.

Much of the writing in Junior reminded me of high school English. There would always be one brooding, sensitive poet boy who would write these deep, dark pieces about...what? Upon closer analysis, you’d realize that the sentences had no subjects, and really said nothing at all. For me, the low point came at the end of Junior, which is just as bogged down as the beginning. As Macaulay grovels about not having an appropriate ending that would show growth and resolution for the main character, I stopped cold. “Oh honey,” I wanted to say, “You don’t actually think this book has main character, do you?” In this hodgepodge of half-finished lists, letters, and vignettes there is no sense of continuity at all, and certainly no sense that any of this centers on one character.

This is not to say that there aren’t amusing bits and interesting insights. My favorite part is a letter to his cat explaining why he never ran away from home and lived on the streets: “I guess I was too afraid to eat garbage.” For some reason I just want to embroider that line on a sampler and hang it on my wall.

I think the most depressing thing about Junior is Macaulay’s total lack of self-awareness. He lists Taxi Driver as one of his favorite movies, then writes a letter to his father exactly like the one Travis Bickle writes in the movie. He makes references to Peter Pan that smack of Michael Jackson, but never talks about Michael himself. He includes “appear in a rap video” on his list of things to do before he dies, but wasn’t he in the rap part of Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” video? He also lists Christopher Columbus as one of the people he likes the least. Is that Christopher Columbus the explorer, or Christopher Columbus the director of Home Alone? Very curious.

I guess what bothers me the most about Junior is Macaulay’s utter refusal to declare his space. He might have written a memoir. He might have expanded one of the short stories into a novel. He might have written a humorous book of quizzes and lists, or a cathartic book of letters never sent. Junior gives the impression that all of these avenues are tangled up in his mind, and with a worldview so muddled, I fear that Mac is not yet “saved” after all.

Chocolate Milk and Cell Phone Pranks: A SIFF 2006 Wrap-up

My annual almost month-long celebration called SIFF (Seattle International Film Festival to those of you not in the know) has, once again, ended. This year was a little bittersweet, as I "only" saw 19 films (the lowest total in several years). Blame the fact that the first week I had to work tons of overtime at my "real" (paying the bills) job, including all through Memorial Weekend, and had to miss a large handful of screenings that I already had tickets for. Drat! And then I had the gumption to actually take a week's vacation towards the end of the fest. (At least I got to see a bear on that vacation, which is better than a movie... it's real life!) So, alas, SIFF '06 was more meager than most. But still, much fun was to be had! Here's my wrap-up:

My favorite SIFF movies of 2006:

Gypo - A quirky, sometimes funny, sometimes enraging and disturbing, and occasionally (surprisingly!) sexy Dogma 95 film, the first from the UK. The same tale is told from the perspective of three characters: A harried but kind wife and mother (and grandmother), her working-class, bitter and racist husband, and a young, pretty Roma refugee who comes into their lives.

C.R.A.Z.Y. - This Canadian 70s coming-of-age film swept the Genies recently, and I can see why. Zac is one of 5 brothers in a wonderfully rich cinematic family. He struggles with his dad, his brothers, and his sexuality. Audience laughs and cries with him.

49 Up - The latest installment of Michael Apted's every-7-years interviews with real-life Brits that were first interviewed in 1964 at the age of 7. Now square into middle age, the folks that still talk with Apted (of 14 original kids, 12 still participate) are mainly happy, forgoeing dreams for reality. Such an amazing "big picture" of humanity's life cycle, it makes you want to burst into tears.

Best promotional tie-in:

After the movie Expiration Date, a locally-made flick about a guy who fears he will be killed on his 25th birthday by a milk truck, we all had a treat waiting for us as we left the theater. Smith Brothers Dairy (who were the good sports to feature their "menacing" trucks in the film) gave everyone a little carton of chocolate milk to enjoy as we filed out! Nice touch, by the way, with the milkmen wearing traditional white outfits (which I never before thought of as creepy, but now I don't know...).

Best Q&A following a film:

Paul Dinello, who directed and starred in Strangers With Candy, was treated like a rock star by the audience. He gamefully answered questions from the crowd, until someone asked an Amy Sedaris question. He suddenly brightened and said, "I don't know... why don't we call her?" He whipped out his cell phone and said, "I know she is up... she's writing her book..." He put the phone on speaker as it rang, and when she answered, the audience freaked out. It was very charming. Someone asked if she was planning on auctioning off her "fatty" suits from the movie on Ebay, and she said she had five of them hanging in her closet, and that they were all stained (audience screams with delight). After that call, someone yelled, "Call Steven!" Paul said, "Oh, he's on vacation with his family in Charlotte... but let's try!" Steven Colbert did not answer his phone, but after the beep, he'll have a very surprising message I'm sure of a sold-out audience of 700 screaming in his ear from three time zones away.

Comments to the fest itself:

* Be more daring on Opening Night, like with last year's Me and You and Everyone We Know. This year's The Illusionist was back to good old crap-tastic Hollywood stinkiness.

* Cute T-shirts and schwag this year (especially the lunch box, and wrap-around t-shirt design). However, tread carefully on another such cartoony theme for next year... The marketing is starting to look a little repetitious, especially with Bumbershoot often having similar themes. I'm just sayin'.

* The new ticket system was AWESOME, despite occasional printer trouble at various venues. I was able to pick up my tickets for the whole week at the first box office I went to. VERY cool.

* Is the Egyptian's sound system muddy, or is it just me?

* Expanding screenings to the Eastside (but still showing the flicks in Seattle as well) was a great idea! I have several friends who live/work on the Eastside who took advantage of these screenings, and thanked the heavens that they didn't have to sit in traffic to attend a few SIFF flicks.

* The live-music events were kind of pricey... Specifically $20 for The Unknown with Portastatic. The whole thing was about an hour. How about $12 or $15 bucks if you know it will run short? Especially since us regular folks are already priced-out of the mega-expensive Opening and Closing Night events.

* Overall, maybe it was my choices, but I saw very few stinkers or disappointing movies this year... good job! I can't wait until next year!